By Edward Sam Cullen
June 7, 2003
I am a vampire. I have all of the evidence to prove it. I have pale and pasty, cold skin, as well as gold eyes. I even sparkle, though my friend, Tim, is convinced that it’s only the glitter lotion that I put on every morning.
Tim has other dreams. He hates twilight, and I just can’t seem to be able to get him to join Team, Jacob, like me. Tim wants to be part of the mafia in New York City, but when he was beaten up during his initiation, I’m fairly sure that those hopes all went flying out of the window. He managed to pocket a Nerf gun on his way out, though, which he used to shoot his foot with out of pure boredom and insanity. I know what you’re thinking, just a Nerf gun, right? Wrong. Tim lost 2 and one third gallons of blood that day…
But back to me the self-centered jerk that we all love. I work in a cubicle in THE Dunder Mifflin building, but my boss swears that it’s just any other office complex. Says I’m delusional. Psh. Suuure…
Instead of working, I spend my time holed up in that little tiny office space of mine, pulling at my unruly hair, typing away at my Fan Fiction story. I munch at my party sized bag of cheesy Doritos while simultaneously trying to decide whether Bella should get together with Jacob or Edward. I mean, sure, I’m Team Jacob, but I’m still a vampire. I’ve got to stay true to my kind, right?
So, that’s basically what I do at work. I mean, who actually works at work, right? Right? RIGHT? That’s right. No one.
Good. So now that we have all that cleared up, more about my life.... I have an arch enemy. As a matter of fact, he’s a rather harry boy named Jake. I’m absolutely sure that he’s a werewolf.
Everyone calls me Sam, but I just know that my real name is Edward. It even says so on my birth certificate! Oh, wait. Nope. It just says that my name is Sam. Never mind then... But as soon as I’m old enough, I Am legally changing it to my real name! Edward!
I live in California, but I belong in Forks with the love of my life. I’m sure of it. I should totally be there instead of running away from the people that want to take me to the “mental hospital”… Whatever that is. I think they’re really the Vulturi, but in disguise. Yes, that’s gotta be it! No wonder they’re after me! That explains the wanted posters!
My true love will be somebody named Isabel. She won't sparkle like me, though. Oh well... I guess I'll just have to let her use some of my everlasting supply of glitter lotion.
I haven’t met her yet, but when I do, I will introduce myself as Eddy, not Sam, and not-so-slowly weasel my way into her life… starting with science class. I’ll situate myself next to her in science and prove myself a genius. In gym class, I’ll awe her with my amazing ability of speed by completing the mile in under 3 minutes without breaking a sweat. I’m so, so close to my goal. I can run half of a mile in 11 minutes and 17 seconds only! I’m doing so well!
Oh, there I go day dreaming again. Well, I have to go now. My family, Carl, Rosy, Joseph, Allison, and Esther are holding a convention for me. I don’t want to go, but they are baiting me with oh, so tempting glitter lotion. I can’t turn down that offer now, can I?
Edward Sam Cullen
Instead of working, I spend my time holed up in that little tiny office space of mine, pulling at my unruly hair, typing away at my Fan Fiction story. I munch at my party sized bag of cheesy Doritos while simultaneously trying to decide whether Bella should get together with Jacob or Edward. I mean, sure, I’m Team Jacob, but I’m still a vampire. I’ve got to stay true to my kind, right?
So, that’s basically what I do at work. I mean, who actually works at work, right? Right? RIGHT? That’s right. No one.
Good. So now that we have all that cleared up, more about my life.... I have an arch enemy. As a matter of fact, he’s a rather harry boy named Jake. I’m absolutely sure that he’s a werewolf.
Everyone calls me Sam, but I just know that my real name is Edward. It even says so on my birth certificate! Oh, wait. Nope. It just says that my name is Sam. Never mind then... But as soon as I’m old enough, I Am legally changing it to my real name! Edward!
I live in California, but I belong in Forks with the love of my life. I’m sure of it. I should totally be there instead of running away from the people that want to take me to the “mental hospital”… Whatever that is. I think they’re really the Vulturi, but in disguise. Yes, that’s gotta be it! No wonder they’re after me! That explains the wanted posters!
My true love will be somebody named Isabel. She won't sparkle like me, though. Oh well... I guess I'll just have to let her use some of my everlasting supply of glitter lotion.
I haven’t met her yet, but when I do, I will introduce myself as Eddy, not Sam, and not-so-slowly weasel my way into her life… starting with science class. I’ll situate myself next to her in science and prove myself a genius. In gym class, I’ll awe her with my amazing ability of speed by completing the mile in under 3 minutes without breaking a sweat. I’m so, so close to my goal. I can run half of a mile in 11 minutes and 17 seconds only! I’m doing so well!
Oh, there I go day dreaming again. Well, I have to go now. My family, Carl, Rosy, Joseph, Allison, and Esther are holding a convention for me. I don’t want to go, but they are baiting me with oh, so tempting glitter lotion. I can’t turn down that offer now, can I?
Edward Sam Cullen
-pen prodigy
So funny!!
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